After 54 hours with almost no sleep (just the flights from Chicago to Atlanta, then Atlanta to Austin), I was somehow still pushing through last night around 1:30am when I realized that I was probably close to hallucinations. I’m pretty damn impressed that newsletter I sent out was coherent…re-read it today a little worried.
Didn’t actually fall asleep until closer to 3, of course…
So then today when the alarm went off at 8:30, you can imagine how interested I was in getting up off the couch. I didn’t force myself up to my feet ’til 11:30, and even then, it took a long shower, Starbucks, and then a walk to the cafe down the street to get me feeling even remotely human.
Which sucked, because it meant that I missed the majority of the American Songwriter Magazine party I’d planned to attend from noon to 5. In fact, by the time I’d oriented myself, gotten back to my friend’s house, packed up and called a cab, it was almost 3pm. And by the time the cab actually arrived, 4:30. 4 frickin’ 30.
So…instead of posting about SXSW, which I’ll do tomorrow from the airport, I have a confession to make here, and I’ll ask you to forgive me for dropping my usual sense of playful sarcasm and essential optimism. I know you come here to be entertained in some way (hell, I file my favorite blogs in a bookmark folder called “Entertainment”), and I love that you enjoy reading my random thoughts and experiences. But the thing is -
I’m tired.
Not just tired. Exhausted. Worn down. I have always pushed myself hard, staying up late to write papers, setting steep goals for myself, aiming in 5 different directions at once and expecting nothing less than success in every endeavor. Sometimes I accomplish it all, once in a while I don’t, and when I stress myself out beyond the point of recovery, I step back and reprioritize and make it work as well as I can.
But lately, I’m just tired. The list of things that could, and should, be happening (book gigs, finish new press kits, start recording new CD, promote current gigs, get more radio play, find the money to pay my student loans next month, etc…) is just getting longer and longer, more involved and time-consuming, while my resources dwindle farther and farther.
Don’t get me wrong, I have friends and family and all of you, of course, and I’m not sitting here wallowing in some kind of imagined isolation. It’s more like… Okay, you know how you feel the morning after you’ve stayed up all night partying, then passed out drunk and dehydrated? Kind of cut off from everything, senses dulled and reaction time sluggish, knowing there are probably things that you were supposed to do today but…somehow unable to put forth the effort to put one foot in front of the other, to answer emails or make phone calls, or even consider interacting with other human beings in a friendly or positive manner.
I feel that way almost every day right now.
No, I’m not drinking too much or doing drugs – hell, the one margarita I had tonight with dinner got me loopy. I’m definitely not living as healthfully as I should be, but I think the thing is that I’m just…tired. I would kill right now for 3 days in a row, 3 days where my laptop and cell phone were turned off, when Evey would stop chewing on the pillows and scratching holes in the rug, when absolutely no one would expect or even ask anything of me all day long. Just 3 days, long enough to revel in the feeling but no more than anyone else would ask in a “real” career – I mean, who doesn’t love 3-day weekends?
I know I’m not the only one who would love such blissful freedom, even for just a few days. You’re out there. You’re not even reading this anymore because you’re fantasizing right now about lying in bed with the last Harry Potter book, or renting Seasons 1 and 2 of Weeds and watching them all in a row while you eat big bowls of Lucky Charms. We all want to be kids again once in a while.
But even now, in the 2 hours since I’ve been back on the couch after leaving 6th street, I have already labeled miniDVs from today and the end of my college tour, answered a slew of emails, added a new gig to my BlackBerry calendar, made a few more DIY Rockstar discs for tomorrow’s show, and written this blog. I should have been asleep at least an hour ago. Instead I’m wondering if there’s anything else I can cross off the list before I completely pass out.
I’m completely and utterly exhausted.
And I need to buy more comfortable boots.
So what’s new? You’ve been like this since you were 4 years old! Nursery school teachers ran in terror when they saw you coming ’cause they knew they couldn’t keep up with you. Little children trembled in fear ’cause you out-colored, out-read, and out-planned all of them put together. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. There really is something to pre-natal caffeine overload. Blame McDonald’s! It really is their fault. So, Mom says, take a deep breath, count to 10, do the yoga thing, and we’re here if you need us.
Aw Julie – who would you have to kill to take a break? Maybe you could just unplug for a bit. The dog might not cooperate, but the rest of us would understand.
I bet if you got one good night of sleep you’d soon be bored with doing nothing and charge back into the fray.
Ain’t that the truth there MOM, she was a little minx there wasn’t she.
Honey…take the 3 day weekend. It can even be in the middle of the week. You know, skip over Monday, take Tuesday – Thursday off, come back for a joyous Friday and then have a fabulous weekend. YOU DESERVE IT.
Sometimes everyone needs to crash for a minute. No excuses, no reasons, no apologies, no nothing. It’s called a PERSONAL TIME OUT and we should all be more generous with ourselves by taking advantage of them. Unfortunately, we are raised in this work-horse / rat-race culture that expects us to be machines. We’re not. We are human beings that need to be recharged on a regular basis and sometimes the 3.5 – 8 hours of sleep that you get a night isn’t enough.
So…go make yourself better. Lay out all day on the beach, fall asleep in the sun, smell the morning dew on the leaves in the forest, frolick about in some lake with a jet ski that has your name on it. Lounge in a hammock and get someone to babysit the dog.
You can do this yourself or with a friend but mostly, retreat into YOU and enjoy it. Don’t think of your to-do list, just enjoy LIFE.
You don’t need permission. Just go.
[...] stupid text twist… A few months ago I wrote a series of posts complaining about how incredibly exhausted I was in many, many ways. Right now, I’m only exhausted in one way – Julie need sleepy. But [...]